By The Spirit Of The Lord

You know what I don't like about personal blogging? It's so "me" centered. Like YouTube, which should be called MeTube. An entire internet channel or page all about me. What a waste.

That being said, I'll now proceed to blog about me. :D
Not for the sake of meness, however, but to the glory of God.

Well, He did it. After two years God spoke to me. Directly to my innermost being. Straight to my heart. I feel all gushy inside. My heart has finally been melted. I know, it sounds strange, but I've been basking in it all night and day so far, just trying to listen to the silence and rest in the security I'm feeling right now. It's been a long, long haul...and I can't stay here long, I regret to say.
Even though I am swaddled in peace this moment, God has already made it clear to me that it's time to go forward. It's time to take the ruins in me and begin to piece them back together.
He spoke straight to my fears this morning in church. You'd think I'd just be so excited that after such a long time of silence He's speaking to me again, but my gut is twisting and I feel sick to my stomach because I know where I'm going, and it's a place I've been avoiding for as long as I can remember. Now it's time to take on my Goliaths one by one, and I'm terrified. Man, it's gonna hurt. It's so gonna hurt. Everything will have to be in an upheaval before we can even begin to sort through it all piece by piece.
I do have two things though. I have His Spirit to bring me out at the other end victorious,

"Not by might, Not by power. But by My Spirit, says the Lord."

And I have Jesus, The Ultimate David, Who has already defeated my Goliaths for me.

He's been leaving treasures all around for me in His word to gather up and store away. He's totally all over me since last night. My heart is absorbing it all, not knowing exactly why I need it, but knowing I will need it.

I just can't get over it...

All this time believing He has forgotten me. Believing He couldn't possibly love me. Cursing Him (how shameful). Accusing Him. Spiting Him for thinking He left me to turn back to my own puke. All along He was holding me, and loving me. Not angry at me, but compassionately and tenderly overseeing my life while allowing me to suffer in my old sins until I was ready to do whatever it takes to get better.

I keep thinking about how God stitches us back together, and as Beth Moore says, it will hurt. But He will be holding me even through the suffering. He brought me out of this last storm and I so want to set up a stone memorial like the ancients did so the next storm I'm in -and I will be- I will remember and be assured of His faithfulness and LOVE for me.

He delivered me because He delighted in me. (Psalm 18:19)

I can't even fathom it. How could that be? And I don't always have to get it right, cause He's rejoicing that I'm even trying. He's singing over me. I can't even imagine that.
And He isn't counting my failures against me, but instead He's collecting everything I do that comes from a heart of faith. I have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

I have so much to learn. So far to go. But, I now have almost an inkling of what 1 John 2:13 means.

"I write to you, fathers, because you have known him who is from the beginning. "

After all the storms of life, and you're nearing the end...it must be such a blessed place to be to have experienced the immutability and unsurpassable faithfulness of God. What a glorious place of comfort and rest that must be.

In a small way, I am anticipating this next journey so that this little bit of assurance of His faithfulness to me will continue to grow and I will know Him better and be able to worship Him for Who He is. God-willing, I will eventually smash every idol I have made of Him.