What are sisters for?

OK...so in this last week or so, God has used several different people and things to bring to light something that is hindering me from taking hold of that for which I have been called.



I beat myself up regularly. I constantly pick out my flaws and fixate on those. I can never see anything good because I magnify every sin, every flaw, every area that I fall short. Twice this week I screwed up. I let people down. And then I had to go to these people and ask for forgiveness. And even harder for me to do, I had to accept their forgiveness, which I have a hard time doing because I am proud.
I guess I unconsciously believe that if I beat myself up enough, I have somehow compensated for what I've done. I can't just accept grace. If I had humility, I would accept that I am not perfect, that I will mess up, that I am a sinner, and that I will need to humble myself under the forgiveness of God and others. But I don't, and so God is teaching me the hard way.
And if that weren't enough, someone (I won't say who 'cause I don't want to take your prize away) dropped by earlier this week and handed me a Timmies coffee and some Timbits -for absolutely NO reason whatsoever. And it was the strangest feeling ever to accept it and not be able to give anything back.


I've also come to the realization that I am too full of self-worship. I mean, I've always known that, but not like this.


I can never seem to stop hating on myself. Beth's comment on Saturday really made a dent in my heart.(It was NOT directed at me personally). I can't forget it because it was true.
I'm extremely self-centered. Self-conscious instead of other-conscious --and I hate it. Yet another thing about myself to hate.


I emailed Pastor Dibbley the other day to thank him for his sermon on Sunday evening, because God spoke to me through him and showed me how to apply His word to this problem of mine.
Speaking on Ephesians 1, he noted how we too often get stuck on the doctrine of the total depravity of man (is this what they call hamartiology? Who in the world knows?? I bet Tony does.)...something I am totally guilty of doing. But "total depravity" is not the "central teaching" of God's word (I borrowed that from Pastor Al...can you tell?), nor is it the only teaching. There is also theology, christology, and ecclesiology as Pastor Dibbley pointed out, and soteriology (supposedly the doctrine of salvation). We shouldn't get hung up on just one doctrine or we'll fall into complacency, mediocrity, or discouragement. (Well, he said something to that effect anyway :-( ).
Jesus is the scarlet thread that ties the whole Bible together, So I suppose He would be the "central teaching" --the lenses that we need to see all other doctrines through.


Well, I got stuck and have been sitting in the muck and mire of my own total depravity for a long while. And I'm still stuck, but at least now I'm reaching for the rope that Jesus tossed my way a long time ago.


Eph 1:3

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ...13And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, 14who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession—to the praise of his glory.17I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. 18I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, 19and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, 20which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, 21far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. 22And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, 23which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way."

(If you were in the Believing God Bible study you know why I italicized what I did....and I joked with Pastor Dibbley that he must have been reading Beth Moore).


Now call me dense, but I have never seen how this verse could apply to my deeply embedded sin of self-loathing....until now.
I'm not supposed to focus on myself. As Beth Moore says, that is still self-worship. Hating myself is not what God wants me to do with my sin problem.



Romans 12:3 says

"Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you."

What stood out to me when I thought this verse over is where it says "more highly" so I looked it up and found that the transliteration for highly, 'huperphroneo' is derived from two root words, 'huper' and 'phroneo'. 'Huper' means, in addition to higher, "of, exceedingly abundantly, beyond, and more. 'Phroneo' means "regard, think, be minded."
Soberly means in one's right mind, exercise self-control, put moderate estimate upon one's self, and my personal fave, curbing one's passions.

In other words, the apostle Paul also means we shouldn't regard or think about ourselves more oft than we ought,(i.e. fixating on and obsessing over myself,) and we shouldn't think of ourselves with more passion than we ought,(whether that passion is positive or negative,) but we should control that passion and think of ourselves in moderation.

It all comes down to self-control, which makes complete sense when I think about what Beth Moore said about how in the Hebrew our terms "sound mind" and "self-control" are synonymous. Even in the Greek, as in 2 Timothy 1:7, the term sound mind means moderation and self-control. I.E., moderating and controlling my negative passion toward myself.


God wants me simply to confess my sins and then accept His forgiveness...and not try to compensate for this sin by beating myself up or by trying to earn His forgiveness. Just be humble.


And where should my focus be? On Him. The hope to which He has called me. The spiritual blessings He has for me in the heavenly realms. My glorious inheritance. His incomparably great power--the same mighty strength He exerted when He not only raised Christ from the dead, BUT ALSO RAISED HIM UP AND SEATED HIM AT HIS RIGHT HAND. And AMEN to that! 

If my eyes are not focused on the hope to which I have been called, I will lose heart and become discouraged. God definitely has the power to sanctify me. He who has called me is faithful and He will do it. He has the power to overcome my self-hatred and self-centeredness. 

Sometimes I could just imagine Him leaning back on His throne as my petitions for something ENORMOUS rise up to Him, and Him, with a measly little nod of the head--exerting not the kind of energy that I would think would be needed to deliver, but what is really, for Him, an exertion of less energy than it would take me to wink. Heck, He doesn't have to waste a single ounce of His strength. This is the very God Who called things that weren't as though they were. He merely needs to speak it into being. (And what does that say for how He loves us, considering how He actively, intimately, and personally participated in the creation of His daughters, forming us and knitting us together, when He could have much more easily and impersonally just said a word?) Seriously...if God actually exerted this mighty strength and answered us with this great and incomparable power...we'd be dead on the spot. There would be absolutely no way to constrain it within us. We are so little, and He is so infinite...and so is His inconceivable power. We'd literally blow to pieces.
He is so awesome. Jesus, You are the Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End. You are everything and exceedingly more!


...Where was I going with this? Oh yeah...As Spurgeon rightfully observed, "there is no necessity in our spirit but what is abundantly provided for in all the fullness of Jesus Christ."(emphasis mine)



And then another verse I read earlier this week came to mind.
When Jesus was preparing the disciples for His betrayal, death, resurrection and ascension in John 14, He told them not to let their hearts be troubled, and to help their unbelief He reminded them of all the miracles He had done. But when He prophesied the coming of the Holy Spirit, He said "I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it."


So as I was thinking over this passage today it hit me. What are these "greater" miracles that Jesus was referring to? What is "greater" or takes more power and strength than giving sight to the blind, making the lame walk, or the deaf to hear?


I'll tell you.


Making Desley not self-centered. No doubt about that. Making the lame walk? You got my attention. Making the blind see? You're good. But if you can make Desley selfless...now I'm really impressed. But though to me that would seem to be a monumental task, it's chump change for my powerful and wonderful God.
Oh the glorious riches of my inheritance! Praise Jesus for the hope to which we have been called!


In short, those two experiences this week of having to confess something foolish and sinful I did, and then having to humbly accept the person's forgiveness without trying to compensate for my wrongs or earn their forgiveness, spoke volumes to my heart.
I need to do this (confess, ask forgiveness, and accept God's mercy as it says to do in 1 John 1:9) every time Satan, my accuser, comes at me to throw the multitudes of my sin in my face. And I need to exercise self-control and curb these passions of mine. Self-hatred, I suppose, can also be considered a lust of the flesh since it is opposed to God.

And the missing link...
One of the fruits of the Spirit is self-control (Gal 5:23) and if we, being evil, know how to give good gifts to our children, how much more will our Father give the Spirit to those who ask Him?
...Like how I had the privilege of accepting the free gift my sister brought to my door earlier this week: I hold out my hands for God to pour out this gracious gift, and I'll be raised with Christ through faith in the power of God.(Colossians 2:12)

I'm with Katherine all the way. We are going to make it after all.


Thank you, Beth, Katherine, Nancy, Marnie, and Maureen for being such great friends. I love you all so much.