You Fit Right Here

I have always had this struggle with feeling dispensable and unwanted. Joining the church hasn't exactly alleviated these feelings...and sometimes it has even magnified them.

Sometimes I really do feel like I have nothing to give - like I don't belong - like if I disappeared from the church it would have an affect on no-one at all. As much as I try to have faith that God has placed me where I am for a reason, sometimes that just doesn't seem to be true.

In the movie Cheaper by the Dozen, there is a misfit little boy who is referred to by all of his 11 brothers and sisters as "FedEx" in keeping with his awkwardness within the family. Who he was - his identity - just seemed to always be incompatible with the rest of his family.

One morning, after inadvertently becoming the cause of an upheaval at the breakfast table to the aggravation of all, in the aftermath of a whirlwind of disarray - 11 other boys and girls rushing about to get ready for school and out the door - his mother's gaze skips over the chaos all around as everyone is running out the door, scattering in their separate ways, when it comes to rest upon this little boy who is standing aimlessly on the front porch. Cuing in to the sadness in his lost little eyes, she makes her way toward him. After asking him what was wrong and him responding that everyone calls him Fed-Ex because he doesn't fit in the family, she gently draws him close to her side, under her arm and next to her heart...

 "You fit...you fit right here."

It really is a touching picture. One that the Father uses to comfort and assure me every time I feel like "Fed-Ex" in the church.

"You cannot not find your identity by what you do. In Scripture I emphasize the need to "be" before "doing."

In John 15:4 and 5 Jesus gives us a little picture of how God's economy works:

Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing...

It's hard for me to keep the proper perspective most of the time. I forget that God's economy is just not the same as man's. We may measure accomplishment and effectiveness by how much we do and by the important things we seem to be "doing," but the Kingdom doesn't get built on our economy; it gets built on God's.

My real identity - and the only identity that will make my life purposeful and effective in building the Kingdom - is "beloved of the Father."  

This past summer I looked on as a woman I know was heading over to the park to collect her children. Next thing I knew, her father (who lived in the home behind us) went to collect her, his daughter, under his arm and close to his heart. She just seemed to melt there under his arm and in his protection as they walked away in this embrace. I watched them until they disappeared with a deep sense of longing for the same. 

I guess part of my problem is that because I was rejected by my father I have internalized that rejection to keep some sense of control over the world around me - to take refuge, really - and now I make a choice to believe that I am intrinsically flawed and unacceptable. 

But the most blessed thing is... I don't need to hide behind these lies in order to cope with the pain of life. I have the same as that woman has..and I have better than that.

I have my perfect Father coming to collect me into His arms every second of every minute of every hour of every day. And better still, He is more real than all of these earthly symbols and shadows that were created by Him to reflect Him.
I don't have to feel useless and insignificant because He will fulfill the purposes He has for me if I stay close to His heart where I will always find that I belong and fit perfectly. 

His left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me. SoS 2:6